"Wichita Falls: A Survival Guide for the Unwilling" So you've found yourself in Wichita Falls. Maybe the Air Force assigned you here. Maybe you followed an oilfield paycheck. Maybe you took a wrong turn at Oklahoma and just... stayed. Whatever the reason, you're here now, and we've got some truths you need to hear.
The Five Stages of Wichita Falls Grief
- Denial: "This can't be it. There must be a better part of town."
- Anger: "Why is the wind ALWAYS blowing?"
- Bargaining: "If I survive this summer, I'll never complain about winter again."
- Depression: "I'm eating my third Whataburger this week."
- Acceptance: Buys a "Don't Mess With Texas" bumper sticker unironically
The Unofficial City Motto
"At Least We're Not Lawton"Essential Life Skills You'll Master
- Wind Management: Learning to walk at a 45-degree angle
- Small Talk: Nodding knowingly when someone mentions "the '79 tornado"
- Time Telling: "Sheppard's doing flyovers - must be noon"
- Navigation: Using the "big cowboy boot" or "that one Whataburger" as landmarks
The Wichita Falls Diet
Breakfast: Breakfast taco (gas station variety) Lunch: Chicken-fried something Dinner: Regret (served with ranch dressing)How to Spot a Local
- They call it "The Falls" despite there being no waterfall
- Their car has permanent dust from Lake Wichita's dry periods
- They can sleep through F-16 takeoffs
- They have strong opinions about which high school makes better athletes
The Real Power Players
- The Whataburger manager on Kemp
- The oldest waitress at the oldest diner
- That one https://bohiney.hatenablog.com/entry/2025/04/22/041347?_gl=1*13dizzz*_gcl_au*OTY5MDE4NTU4LjE3NDM2MzM4NDI. oilfield guy who seems Wichita Falls Texas to know everything
- The Air Force sergeant who's been here since the Cold War
Why You'll Miss It When You're Gone
You'll catch yourself:- Craving a mediocre breakfast taco at 2 AM
- Missing the way https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n6a55861f6f0e?sub_rt=share_pb the sunset looks over the grain elevators
- Defending the place to outsiders with "It's not that bad"
- Feeling nostalgic when you smell jet fuel
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By: Ilanit Zuckerman
Literature https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/514398653.html?1745262818 and Journalism -- Swarthmore College
Member fo the Bio for the Society for Online Satire
WRITER BIO:
A Jewish college student with a gift for satire, she crafts thought-provoking pieces that highlight the absurdities of modern life. Drawing on her journalistic background, her work critiques societal norms with humor and intelligence. Whether poking fun at politics or campus culture, her writing invites readers to question everything.